A Hard Choice

Xull’rae roused from reverie with a groan at the sound of a baby crying.  As she blinked her eyes trying to refocus, she realized the crying was nearby in the adjoining room; her baby.

Where was Aiyana? she thought as a copper brow furrowed in irritation.  Brisk, angry steps carried her closer to the cries and she stopped in the walkway to have a look.  Inside the nursery she watched Dilyl nervously circle the cradle.  Every time she reluctantly reached for the child, the hardened warrior snatched her hand away as if the baby’s skin were fire.  Xull’rae would’ve found Dilyl trying to shush the child comical in any other circumstance but this was her personal sin that Dilyl was trying to silence and she couldn’t, and it frustrated them both.

“Where is that damn woman?” Xull’rae demanded.

Dilyl nearly jumped out of her skin and she glared accusingly at the weeping babe as if getting caught unaware was his fault.  “Aiyana went to get more formula, seems Ginifae finished the stock we had,” she replied a little louder than normal.

Xull’rae clenched her jaw and stalked over to the cradle and gripped the edge hard, so hard that her knuckles turned gray.  Cold amber eyes peered down at the caramel skinned, squirming little body of her son and reached down inside.  But the hand that touched him was soft and gentle.  The infant quieted briefly and looked with matching amber eyes at its mother in confusion before his little face crumpled and the crying began anew.  Xull’rae poked and prodded carefully, but to no avail, the wailing continued.

“What’s wrong with him?” snapped Xull’rae, which only made her son reach a screeching level.

Dilyl dodged Xull’rae as the raging red head turned on her. “He’s hungry, I think…”

Exasperated, Xull’rae shouted, “Then feed him, anything to shut him up!”

“That is what the formula is for.  He has no teeth and he does not know how to chew. He’ll choke if I give him something solid and he still cries if I give him water.  The only other option is to wait or breastfeed him,” Dilyl shrugged and looked at Xull’rae.

Xull’rae knew that gaze well; it was a look they often shared when they both knew what needed to be done, but she was lost and no longer knew what to do. “I won’t breastfeed him. I don’t want to touch him…”

“Then we wait,” Dilyl replied in a matter-of-fact tone.

“No,” Xull’rae protested in a vehement outburst, “he’s too annoying!”

Ghauntel, startled by her sharp voice, quieted very quickly.

Dilyl sighed and plopped unladylike in the rocker next to the cradle. “Whadya want to do?”

“I don’t know!” Xull’rae replied in frustration.  She paced the floor, her whole body screamed desperate indecision.   

The wailing began again.  Xull’rae growled and rushed over to the cradle.  Her lovely face was livid with rage as she screamed, “What!” then she said each word slowly, forcefully, forming a question, “what. Do. You. Want?”

Ghauntel was turning red in the face and his blonde hair looked orange.  His tiny hands were balled up into fists and his whole small body quivered. Real tears leaked out of his shining eyes, but he did not stop his crying.

“This noise, it is helping no one,” Xull’rae talked to the child, trying to explain.  Ghauntel just looked at her with watery eyes and continued without breaking rhythm.

“Stop this right now! It is shameful and weak and I will not tolerate such, even from a mutt of my loins…I will not…” Xull’rae’s voice trembled and suddenly she felt tired.  It was silly arguing with an insensible creature, so why did she feel so helpless and exposed?

She once again reached into the cradle and tried to comfort her baby, but Ghauntel’s growling little tummy gave him no reprieve to be settled by soothing touch alone and so continued his angry cries for food.

Xull’rae clutched the front of his jumper, but instantly released it when she felt soft chubby flesh underneath.  She busied herself with rearranging his blankets to distract her instincts of ending this whole ordeal.  It could not be that simple could it?  

Suddenly Ghauntel began to squirm more frantically and his wails softened. Xull’rae gasped as she lifted the blankets from his face, not realizing she had been smothering him. She took a confused step back and shook her head in disbelief. Why had she stopped?

Ghauntel responded by wheezing, sneezing, and coughing.

“No one would blame you, you know?” it was Dilyl that spoke.  She had been calmly watching Xull’rae interact with her infant. “This is why rich mothers have nannies.”

“I don’t know what you are talking about,” Xull’rae said as she quickly turned from the cradle.

“I think you do,” Dilyl replied offhandedly.  “Look at you, you didn’t even check to see if he was alright. He’s not crying, but he doesn’t sound fine now.”

Xull’rae’s response was to take a sharp step forward and give Dilyl’s face a hard backhand blow as she bellowed in unchecked rage.  “Do not speak to me like you know what I’m going through or how to handle this situation.” Her dagger was Dilyl’s throat.

Dilyl let the blood flow from her mouth and responded, “The Xull’rae I knew would handle a problem to her advantage or eliminate it altogether.  She would not wallow in her self pity or fear.  So go ahead…kill me.  If this is the way life will be now, I agree with you that my life is not worth living.”

Xull’rae held her breath sharply and retracted her weapon.  The uncertainty returned to her eyes, but her face drained of anger and went very calm.

Dilyl knew she had her mistress’ attention now and so offered what she could before things changed again.  “You have to decide where your ambitions lie.  The way you had it before, there was no child in the equation until your god said it was time.  Usually you handle curves in plans with wit and determination.”

“What are you driving at Dilyl?” Xull’rae muttered.

“This coy denial is unbecoming of you Xull’rae,” Dilyl sighed. “Kill the child or abandon him.  He is an obstacle in your goals; you cannot go forward with him in your life.  You will fall if you try and I won’t let you do that.  You’ve have worked to hard to let this child ruin it for you.”

“Don’t assume…” Xull’rae began.

But Dilyl cut her off, unforgiving and cold. “You don’t assume.  He is a half breed Xull’rae, like me and take a good look at what I am, what I do, and how I’m treated.  You protect me, but I am an adult. He will not have that, unless you want to share the shame with him.”

Xull’rae sighed and her shoulders slumped.  Dilyl was relentless however, and gave her the harshness now to be kind later.  “Do you honestly think your matron will give him special treatment just because you are her favorite daughter? You were supposed to couple with Lesaonar not an avatar of Cogliostro’s. And don’t think for a second that bitch will wait to see if his divine powers will manifest.  He is not of Zauviir blood and at best he’ll be used as a tool or weapon, and what about the Tower and the Vhaeraunites? Do you still plan to serve him?

“Of course,” Xull’rae replied, incredulous that Dilyl could ask such a thing.

“How? How can you with a baby on your hip?  The matron isn’t going to like you going out and about like you used to.  Security will be tightened and spies tripled.  What of you comrades at the temple? what good are you if you cannot travel or be on the field?  With you trapped at the Web, they are not going to take such a risk on their part for you.”

“I can still find other ways to be useful and I can thwart Laele and my stupid sisters from doing anything to Ghauntel,” Xull’rae said.  

Dilyl nodded. “Maybe you can, but what about Vhaeraun? What if he’ll want to use the child for his plans that very possibly put him purposely in harms way?  Also consider that he may want him to be sacrificed.”

Xull’rae paled and shook her red head furiously.  “He wouldn—”

“You know he would,” Dilyl countered. “I know you are in disfavor for getting knocked up in the first place.  Are you prepared to do anything Vhaeraun asks concerning the child?  Even if it be vile or cruel just to test your loyalty and faith, can you take it if it is done upon another in your place?”

“Get. Out…” Xull’rae spoke in a soft dangerous tone. Her amber eyes glowed and her pupils were crimson in the center, the beautiful allure she often possessed was now terrible and frightening.

Dilyl nodded, suddenly feeling awkward as she lowered her head and obeyed in silence.

All alone, Xull’rae shivered and choked back a sob by covering her mouth and blinking away the tears that had welled up in her eyes.  She woodenly returned to the crib, looked down cautiously and expelled an explosive sigh of relief that the baby moved. Ghauntel sucked on his thumb quietly with his eyes closed, his breathing was even and clear.

Xull’rae touched his tear-stained face reluctantly and instigated a psychic connection with extreme care.

She instantly felt extreme hunger and fatigue; it was so strong that Xull’rae became overwhelmed for a few seconds, until she identified it as a basic instinct.  With tender care she curbed it for him, and when the anger and chaotic vibes subsided she realized how small her baby’s mind was and that he responded with easy simplicity.  Harmony settled rapidly and felt good and peaceful.

Just as Xull’rae was about to explore the inner workings further she was slammed with a flood of feelings that she could only describe as happiness and gratitude.

Xull’rae tried to brush it off and detach herself, but as soon as she started erecting a barrier to separate herself from the baby’s raw responses, the more they clung to her.  Suddenly her defense shattered like fragile glass as a thin mist roiled in and enveloped her with adoration and devotion.  It came without self indulgence and desire for something in return. Untainted and sweet, it was like nothing she ever felt before.

It did not drown her; instead it lifted her up and gave her wings.  Xull’rae’s burdens were lifted.  She felt light and free for the first time in her life, but she did not bask in it even though the temptation was great.  The young drowess wanted to preserve it so took the opportunity to gently blow the mist, causing it to spread around and made an escape.

As the contact ended and Xull’rae made it back to herself, she knew what she had to do.  Quickly she wrote a note and put it in the cradle and then carefully scooped up Ghauntel and gently held him like she had seen Aiyana do and left the chamber.

***
Stealth led Xull’rae quickly outside the temple, toward the backway and small chasm where waste was usually dumped.  There she waited cooing to her child as she slowly paced back and forth, occasionally looking down the small cliff, into the pitch black beyond.  Is this the right thing? No matter what happens to me…I…

“You note said to meet you here,” a sweet melodic voice gently drew in Xull’rae to refocus and rethink.  As the drowess turned she was instantly enthralled by Aiyana’s swirling tri-colored eyes and exotic look.

“I….I… need you to do something for me,” Xull’rae started.

Aiyana smiled beautifully in the same warmth that Ghauntel made her feel earlier.  But as the smaller woman approached her, Xull’rae quickly backed up until she heard pebbles fall in the chasm.  Then Ghauntel made a little burp and soft airy grunts that reminded Xull’rae what she came here to do.

Aiyana stopped and worriedly looked at the bundle that the drowess was holding.  Xull’rae hesitantly came forward, watching the nanny carefully. “You are better than I am.  You just proved it.  It’s not surprising…I’ve seen you with your own children.”

Aiyana shifted her gaze to the red head in silent confusion and Xull’rae had to stamp down her anger, hating to have to say it aloud. “I need you to take him…”

The nanny nodded and came forward again, but Xull’rae clutched Ghauntel to her chest protectively and shook her head. “Not back inside, far away from here.  Take him….take him…back to your world.”

As Aiyana opened her mouth to say something, Xull’rae forestalled her with a hateful glare though the drowess was unaware it was laced with untold pain. “You know what it’s like here. His life will be hard and unforgiving.  If they don’t kill him, they either will break his spirit or harden it and if he becomes strong he might threaten the balance of power between the gods by taking a portfolio and I can’t have him be competition to the Masked Lord…”

Xull’rae listened to herself and grimaced.  They were all good, sound reasons but they were excuses.  She shook her head angrily and said, “Ghauntel is pure and innocent, he deserves a nice childhood full of love and nurturing.  This place will just rob him of choices and fill him with hatred until he is a creature of violence.  ….I will not let him be…”  Xull’rae swallowed hard and finished hoarsely, “I will not him be like me if I can help it.”

“You are too harsh on yourself,” Aiyana said gently.  “This is a selfless thing you are doing, to defy all your family and friends, even your faith to ensure your child has a happy and healthy life.  This is unconditional love and I can do no less than fulfill your request.”

The exotic woman smiled, it was filled with trust and reassurance and her beautiful eyes were filled with understanding and tenderness.  Xull’rae was envious of Aiyana before and reluctant to give her anything, but now instead of backing away, she stepped forward and offered up her son who was holding her finger with his entire hand. “He needs to be fed still,” Xull’rae said in a quivering whisper.

Aiyana nodded and kissed Xull’rae’s forehead sweetly.  

Xull’rae smiled weakly as she felt Ghauntel sigh and grip her finger tighter as he was lifted and quickly exchanged arms.  His drow mother grabbed the edge of his blanket with her other hand and her amber eyes shimmered with unshed tears as she asked, “May I keep this?”

Aiyana’s own eyes welled up as she gave a bubbly giggle.  “Certainly, I’ll get him plenty more.”

Xull’rae expertly took the blanket without disturbing the infant at the same time she softly pried her finger from his grip. “You better go. I’ll tell them I killed you both….”

“He’ll be a man you’ll be proud of, I promise.” Aiyana smiled one last time and was gone when Xull’rae blinked.

Xull’rae slowly walked over to the chasm and dropped to her knees.  She could still feel the warmth from when his hand had clutched her finger.  The blanket turned blurry and when she sucked in a shaky sigh she could smell him in the fabric.

Xull’rae quickly buried her face into the soft folds and inhaled the scent of the son she just gave away and broke down, sobbing into it.

No matter what happened to her now, she knew he had done the best thing for Ghauntel, and that made the pain more bearable.

After what seemed like forever, she leaned over the very edge of the cliff and tossed the blanket away.

“Xull’rae! NO!” And in the next instant she was yanked away harshly, snatched up, and smothered into a rough embrace. “What are you doing!?”

It took Xull’rae a moment to realize that it was Lesaonar and what it must have looked like to him.  She didn’t respond; instead settled into his arms wearily and took comfort in his closeness and concern.

When she instantly returned his affection, Lesaonar sighed in relief and kissed the top of Xull’rae’s head as he looked down the chasm where she almost… But the baby? he wondered.  He had seen her throw the blanket and it made him sad to think the infant could have been inside it.

Suddenly, Lesaonar felt Xull’rae’s knees buckle.  He held her as he sank slowly to the ground while her body wracked with anguished sobs.

“I let him go Les…” she said after awhile, looking at him with a puffy, tear-streaked face. “What kind of mother am I?” she asked him with a broken voice and haunted eyes.

Lesaonar stroked Xull’rae’s hair lovingly away from her face and gave her his best smile.  “An unprepared mother, who did the best she could,” he responded supportively.  As fresh tears brimmed over her eyes and streamed shamelessly down her dark cheeks, he wiped them away, kissed her lightly and said, “He’s in a better place now, full of joy and happiness.”

Xull’rae smiled her first genuine happy smile since returning here months ago and nestled into his armor that felt cool against her heated skin.  “Yes he is…and I’ll be more prepared for the next child in the future,” she muffled quietly.

“I know you will,” Lesaonar agreed warmly.

As they drew comfort from each other’s presence, Xull’rae knew she was going to be in trouble for today’s act, but she was unafraid and ready to face any punishment the gods wanted to inflict upon her.  Saving Ghauntel’s innocence was worth putting her ambitions aside.  She did not fail, they were still attainable if she lived through whatever happened next…just delayed.

If she ruined others ambitions concerning her son, Xull’rae was ready to face them head on.  This was the Underdark and she removed her child from its dark taint, yet she could not leave it.  Xull’rae still had battles to win and the freedom of drow to fight for.  Her son’s sweet purity and love reminded her of that, for she too was like that once, but the tragedy was she could not remember it.  It was time to start her purpose again with opened eyes.

Xull’rae knew she was forever changed, regardless that she would return to blood, sweat, sex, and violence in the next few minutes did not matter in this moment.  The memory of a little baby boy with caramel skin and red-gold hair had planted a thorn into his mother’s dark heart and took root, never to let it go…